To Myself, with Love

Life has been a mess of colors lately.

No day is exactly the same, but most days for me have ended the same way.

I sit on my bed and watch the sun fade through my blinds, as the lines of light dance on the wall across from me. I don’t think of anything in particular. It’s almost like I’m waiting for something to happen, watching the lines like they’ll suddenly change direction or grow brighter rather than dim and eventually disappear.

Recently I’ve been facing a great challenge. Those closest to me are aware of my struggles and have an inside look at the trials and tribulations that a somewhat grieving individual goes through to feel “alright” with their circumstances. I want to offer an explanation to others, but because of the sensitive nature of what’s going on, I can’t. It’s unfortunate, but it’s necessary.

Stay tuned, and be patient. I’m learning to be patient myself.

I’m also learning that vulnerability is okay. Being vulnerable is one step closer to making positive change. I could use some of that. We could all use some of that.


Jess,

You are so much stronger than your circumstances. I understand that you are feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and less than yourself. I acknowledge that the situation you are facing right now is emotional and raw. I validate your reactions; I validate your concerns.

You are in a position that you, quite some time ago, never believed you would be strong enough to place yourself in. Yet, here you stand. You are anxious and worrisome, but you are also bold and strong. You did not get to this place alone, but you did not have much help making the decision to move forward either. That decision was so difficult for you, but you made it based on the needs of yourself and the needs of others, and you made it bravely.

You feel weak and confused at times, but you are standing across from your demons and you are not backing down. You question yourself and those around you, but you also stand firm and advocate for yourself and your needs.

You look in the mirror and see the exhaustion hanging off of your features, like a warn house full of secrets and forgotten memories, dull, hollowed in spots and blackened in others. I see you, the everlasting foundation beneath the peeling wallpaper.

I am proud of you.ย 

I am proud of you for diving deeper into yourself when you feel unsure of your emotions and regretful of your decisions. I am proud of you for waking up in the morning and taking that first, terrible step out of bed. I am proud of you for speaking up and speaking out.

Be confident.

Be confident in your decisions, in your process, in your life.

You are worth the results, and you know that.

I love you.

With love,

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Author: jessicahollen

Hey everyone out there reading this, my name is Jessica. I prefer Jessie or Jess most of the time though, just because I like to keep conversation casual. When you call me Jessica, I assume I'm in trouble for eating someone's candy stash or something. I'm a 22 year-old graduate student in the Clinical Mental Health Counseling program at my home-town university in South Carolina. I'm here to share my thoughts on life, spread awareness for Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia, and fight the stigma surrounding mental illness!

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